remember that feeling you get in your chest? like something's squeezing it?
it's back.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
i'm thankful for.....
thanksgiving's over.... and now its 1:34 AM. i haven't blogged in a while, so imma be jumping around a lot... like usual.haha. it was nice seeing the family, but again, all of us weren't here. we were pretty much missing half of the family. they all got their own thing, but i can't even remember the last time we were all together... i'm not even close to my cousins that much anymore... one's too busy to hang out, and the other doesn't even acknowledge me or my sister at school... w/e.
people usually say they're thankful for all the good things that have happened to them, but what about the hardships? my life's complete description is defined in one word: "hardship". and it doesn't help when i have a "procrastinative" attitude towards things, if that's even a word. if i'm not screwing something up, then i'm messing up in an entirely different area of my life. when its not family, its school. when its not school, its friends. when its not friends, its some girl. the one problem i had that threw me out of the loop entirely was with meagan... jeez. twice i've been trippin' over this girl, and twice i end up screwing myself over. i keep saying it in my mind over and over: "if ever i had been close to falling for a girl, it would have been her." and its true. she's the only girl that ever reduced me to almost to the point of tearin' up...granted i was only 15 (and an idiot), i was reduced to the point where i felt the tightening of my chest, the queasiness in my stomach, and a slap to the ego. (damnit i hope she doesn't read this.) and the weirdest thing is.... i've been (not rejected, but for lack of a better word) by a gripload of girls, just like everyone else has. but she's the only girl that ever made me feel that. and the second time, when i heard from someone, same symptoms, different time. my chest was tight, my stomach was queasy, and the sharp jab to the ego. the whole day, i was like, ouch. but friends were there to pick me up when they saw me.
and fuck, i'm even listening to ne-yo right now....
my ninong ace talked to me yesterday on the way to buco di beppa (is that right? lol) and he pointed out a very funny and practical question. he asked me: "ayy, have you ever gotten those mixed vibes things from a girl" like, how they leave their heads on your shoulder or wear your jackets? or they give you those long hugs? its like, dangg, does this girl like me? and, if you don't then don't touch me like that!" haha. that seriously made me laugh. but it did make some sense to me. girls, if you haven't noticed, guys are pretty damn simple. when we like like you, we like you. no in-between shit. but girls are COMPLICATED. not that its a problem to me....lol. the fun of going after a girl whose feelings you're not sure about is fun. because i get to use that time to say what i need to to change her mind about me. =] for me, i guess i like that. because i don't believe you get to really fall for anyone until you actually get to know them. like what a wise woman once said "love is created when you get to know them better. like God. you never get to truly love Him until you serve Him and know how to". (that was paraphrased. lol.) i guess that's why i don't believe in any of that love at first sight stuff. and like like a girl once said, "they only look at what's on the outside...like how they're cute. they don't look on the inside. but when it comes to you... you're not an asshole like most guys. you know how to make a girl happy. and you have the cutest dimples ever. hahaha. (: "
crap. i'm talking too much about this stuff. different subject?
so now its 2:10 AM. its been 2 hours since thanksgiving ended, and i never got to say what i was thankful for.... i'm thankful for my family. that's a given, because when no one was there, i always counted on them to be in my corner. but even before that, i thank God for always being there. yeah, this is gonna sound corny, but trust. i think everyone i've met was a blessing in one way or another. I feel like of the other 7 billion people in this place, i was blessed to be who i am. because i would have never known these people. every person has influenced me in one way or another... the guys i call my homies, the girls that i'm friends with... the girls that, well, you know.... for good or worse, they've influenced my life. the amount in which they did is irrelevant in my opinion. you were all a part of my life, and i thank God and luck for giving me the chance to have met you. haha. corny shiitt right there.
well, i guess this is my cue to stop. time to crash. i hopr today doesn't end up bad... guess imma be chillin' with myself...meagan'll be with her fam, probably talking to adrian... dory'll be with her friends... i don't wanna ask her to chill with me the whole time. haha. i'm not selfish. germ's gonna be following them the whole time... so if you see our group, and you see a straggler or the one out of place, you'll know who it is. haha. 'night for now....till next time.
people usually say they're thankful for all the good things that have happened to them, but what about the hardships? my life's complete description is defined in one word: "hardship". and it doesn't help when i have a "procrastinative" attitude towards things, if that's even a word. if i'm not screwing something up, then i'm messing up in an entirely different area of my life. when its not family, its school. when its not school, its friends. when its not friends, its some girl. the one problem i had that threw me out of the loop entirely was with meagan... jeez. twice i've been trippin' over this girl, and twice i end up screwing myself over. i keep saying it in my mind over and over: "if ever i had been close to falling for a girl, it would have been her." and its true. she's the only girl that ever reduced me to almost to the point of tearin' up...granted i was only 15 (and an idiot), i was reduced to the point where i felt the tightening of my chest, the queasiness in my stomach, and a slap to the ego. (damnit i hope she doesn't read this.) and the weirdest thing is.... i've been (not rejected, but for lack of a better word) by a gripload of girls, just like everyone else has. but she's the only girl that ever made me feel that. and the second time, when i heard from someone, same symptoms, different time. my chest was tight, my stomach was queasy, and the sharp jab to the ego. the whole day, i was like, ouch. but friends were there to pick me up when they saw me.
and fuck, i'm even listening to ne-yo right now....
my ninong ace talked to me yesterday on the way to buco di beppa (is that right? lol) and he pointed out a very funny and practical question. he asked me: "ayy, have you ever gotten those mixed vibes things from a girl" like, how they leave their heads on your shoulder or wear your jackets? or they give you those long hugs? its like, dangg, does this girl like me? and, if you don't then don't touch me like that!" haha. that seriously made me laugh. but it did make some sense to me. girls, if you haven't noticed, guys are pretty damn simple. when we like like you, we like you. no in-between shit. but girls are COMPLICATED. not that its a problem to me....lol. the fun of going after a girl whose feelings you're not sure about is fun. because i get to use that time to say what i need to to change her mind about me. =] for me, i guess i like that. because i don't believe you get to really fall for anyone until you actually get to know them. like what a wise woman once said "love is created when you get to know them better. like God. you never get to truly love Him until you serve Him and know how to". (that was paraphrased. lol.) i guess that's why i don't believe in any of that love at first sight stuff. and like like a girl once said, "they only look at what's on the outside...like how they're cute. they don't look on the inside. but when it comes to you... you're not an asshole like most guys. you know how to make a girl happy. and you have the cutest dimples ever. hahaha. (: "
crap. i'm talking too much about this stuff. different subject?
so now its 2:10 AM. its been 2 hours since thanksgiving ended, and i never got to say what i was thankful for.... i'm thankful for my family. that's a given, because when no one was there, i always counted on them to be in my corner. but even before that, i thank God for always being there. yeah, this is gonna sound corny, but trust. i think everyone i've met was a blessing in one way or another. I feel like of the other 7 billion people in this place, i was blessed to be who i am. because i would have never known these people. every person has influenced me in one way or another... the guys i call my homies, the girls that i'm friends with... the girls that, well, you know.... for good or worse, they've influenced my life. the amount in which they did is irrelevant in my opinion. you were all a part of my life, and i thank God and luck for giving me the chance to have met you. haha. corny shiitt right there.
well, i guess this is my cue to stop. time to crash. i hopr today doesn't end up bad... guess imma be chillin' with myself...meagan'll be with her fam, probably talking to adrian... dory'll be with her friends... i don't wanna ask her to chill with me the whole time. haha. i'm not selfish. germ's gonna be following them the whole time... so if you see our group, and you see a straggler or the one out of place, you'll know who it is. haha. 'night for now....till next time.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
sometimes, i even surprise myself.....
i can be the biggest dumbass of all time. real talkk. looking back on my mess ups, i've always done something wrong. this most recent one, i rushed. if i only went slower, then maybe things wouldn't be as f*ed up as they are now.. she won't even look at me anymore...i tried to say hi this morning, and all i got was a look. couldn't even say hi? i mean, wth did i do? i don't wanna bring it up to her, because then she'll just think i'm complaining, or i'm being a douchebag... so i can't even talk to her maturely about this. i mean, i don't even know what the hell is going on... and if by any chance she's reading this... i'm not mad. haha. just confused... if there's anything to clear, i just wanna make sure its done. i can't even talk to you in person because for some reason, you just won't look at me...
ok i get it. i messed up. i made you feel uncomfortable.... and i apologized already. but apparently she won't look past that and talk to me like she would talk to anyone else.
it seems like no matter who i try to go for, i can never get her. same goes with this other girl... call her SC. well, she's into someone else. and after being all patient, after two years of being by her, she goes after someone else. i can't say i was really in love with anyone... but if i had been close to it at all, it would have been when we talked. i remember all the things she made me feel.... like how my throat would get all dry when we talked.... and how i'd trip over my words when we used to talk on the phone... how i would get this weird feeling in my stomach when i'd be waiting for her to answer her phone... the way how, even now, my eyes see her right when she walks into a room.... and how i always got this grin on my face when i see her smile at me....
i never even had a chance.
ok i get it. i messed up. i made you feel uncomfortable.... and i apologized already. but apparently she won't look past that and talk to me like she would talk to anyone else.
it seems like no matter who i try to go for, i can never get her. same goes with this other girl... call her SC. well, she's into someone else. and after being all patient, after two years of being by her, she goes after someone else. i can't say i was really in love with anyone... but if i had been close to it at all, it would have been when we talked. i remember all the things she made me feel.... like how my throat would get all dry when we talked.... and how i'd trip over my words when we used to talk on the phone... how i would get this weird feeling in my stomach when i'd be waiting for her to answer her phone... the way how, even now, my eyes see her right when she walks into a room.... and how i always got this grin on my face when i see her smile at me....
i never even had a chance.
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